Random...

I'm checking out this J. Cole cd tonight/this morning...

 I've had it for a little while and never gave it a listen...

 Either way, I've been really trying to control my space lately.

 If a person introduces some thoughts or a feeling into my life that I dont necessarily agree with...I have to address it. Very often, people can bring themselves into your space and bring all their "dirty" energy with them. But in the same regard, they can bring good energy as well. I'm not an expert on this or anything, but I happen to have a high level of empathy...so once I came to terms with the idea that people were introducing new feelings and moods into my space; I decided to address the things I needed to.

 Sadly, I think sometimes the way I deliver it puts people at an uneasy place.

I am usually a person that considers peoples feelings before I speak, but when it comes to that...I cant keep quiet.

 It could fuck up my day...

Or my week.

 So I kill that shit, EARLY.

 Back to this CD... I dont hate it...yet...

Giving In...

Ha! You thought it was gonna be one of those depressing posts. Nope...not even. I mean, at some point it could get a little dark. Probably not though. For the last couple days I've kinda been listening to some the the more diverse types of music I'm into. I see that I enjoy my music much like I enjoy my food. If it's good, I'll eat it slowly and take in the atmosphere to enjoy it all the way. But if its bad, I end up unhappy and angry cause I couldn't finish it all. With that, Im finding that the consequence of changing or not controlling my atmosphere is that It will alter how I enjoy life overall. Did you know that if you eat in a loud restaurant,you wont enjoy your food as much? Your brain takes energy from your taste buds to redirect it to your ears. Considering to keep you safe and aware, your ears would keep you out of danger, and not your taste buds. I think I'm always eating in a loud place. I have to quiet the noise around me...or the noise Im creating to do the things Im supposed to do. Or to enjoy the things that I usually find enjoyable. Sadly when I do quiet things; I have to push away the people that are willing to help me as well as the ones who I think contribute to the madness. I know, it sounds like I'm a bad friend. But as a good friend does, I sacrifice my own sanity and comfort for that of my friends and family. That can only go on for so long before you find yourself drained. I'm coolin' though...not too worried. I mean, I guess the thing I'm giving into is the idea that I can control my space and the things I do in that space. I've always known, but I know I have to apply it if I am going to be productive and re-learn to be proactive. I spend time assessing my own faults possibly as often as I unknowingly and empathetically assess those of the people around me. Giving in to Moving Forward... Giving in to Being Progressive... Giving in to being tough enough to express my interest in things that will Benefit me as well... I have a future to secure...not just for me but for others...but If I dont do it for myself, because I love myself, then I am fighting for the wrong reasons. "Being disloyal to yourself is being disloyal to GOD" - Labtekwon And I definitely dont wanna piss Yo (God) off...lol. Aight...I've written enough. I'll holla... I decided to go back to school...

Preparation for The Suicide Letter...

Title is a little unsettling huh? It's unsettling when I read it too though. Before I get started though...

R.I.P. To Troy Davis


Now, I hoped to use this post to describe or at least prepare you for my next project...The Suicide Letter.

It'll be a themed EP, based on that dark place that some of us go to. It's hard to get deep, or not sound corny about it (and you know how I hate corny shit), but there's no other way to describe it.

We all have a friend, family member or associate that sometimes seems to disappear; or if you see them, they look as if they aren't existing in the same reality you are. This is so common though, I'm not sure if people notice how many people around them are having that same experience. It's so hard to describe...

Imagine waking up...alone in your house. You look at your phone and see that you have 5 missed calls. You prepare to return the calls; and then an uneasy feeling comes over you. You place your phone face-down and just sit in the middle of your bed, not moving a muscle.

You hear a knock at the door; you get up to check to see who it is, but by the time you get there, they are already getting back in their car. Do you call them to tell them you are there...Hell No. You walk back to your dark room, and sit on the side of the bed, doing nothing. Even if you do get to the door in time, the energy in your space is so distorted, people are uncomfortable around you.

Then the million dollar question...

"What's wrong?"

You look up and say, "Nothing..."

Their response is almost always, "C'mon, whats wrong..."

After fighting with yourself for a bit to tell them the truth, you simply say, "I...dont know..."

Thats scary....But this isnt the first time you've felt this way. It's almost as if that room you sleep in, or spend your time in; is a place you can escape to. You can get away from the people around you and the things that you have to do to live in our society. The time you spend in this "place" varies. It can be hours; days, or even months. But once you are out...you are refreshed and carry on as if it never happened.

Later on, you fight revisiting that place...but its almost comfortable there.


If you live like this...thats the point of this next project. I know it sounds depressing (or like Depression), and it is. But this also relates to people with Anger, Anxiety, Sickness...We all have a place we go to. Some are just darker than others.

Expect a very different side of me...Not so dark that its scary, but it'll be in a language that people who can relate will understand. And to those who may not relate, you may learn a thing or two about a person close to you.

My process right now is alot like Heath Ledger in Batman. Im not sulking, or depressed or anything; but I am right where I want to be artistically. Im not just putting together the project that I want to put together, its a project I NEED to put together. I respect the process...of growing.

Visual coming soon...

Peace.

-ONLY

JUICIN!!!

Ok...I know that looks odd. But I started this Juice Fast I saw on this documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.. Anyhow, my health has been a little crazy lately. Not having an appetite; not being able to keep anything down...yeah, it sucked. But after watching the documentary, I thought, "Well, it's not shit that can hurt me...lets see."

Then I drank the concoction from the movie "Mean Green". Mean Green is full of nutrients and crap that's good for you. Basically, there is no waste from the foods you juice (Green Leafy Veggies and fruits) so your body gets a jump starts in the department of necessary nutrients. Im not gonna make this a health blog...but if you can watch the movie, you should. You can supplement the drink...trade out your lunch for something you juiced. I promise, you'll feel better immediately. It makes your house smell like grass...but this stuff might just save my life. Because of the Dialysis though, I do have to account for things like high potassium and watching my fluids...but I would have drank 3-4 cups of soda, juice or tea anyway.

I have some energy...and my mood is better...than usual.

Otherwise, Im entering a new phase in my artistic development. Im about to do a series of songs that are very emotional...and almost depressing. But the point is to explore the feelings that I know people around me share.

Ever wake up and you totally refuse to open the blinds?

People ask you "What's Wrong?" And you have to fight to not just say, "I don't know"

In one of the newer songs I say, "Depression is a bitch, but she comforts you with a bear hug..."

Its not hard to get stuck. But that's what this next project; The Suicide Letter is about. There will also be some major changes in my business...so I feel like I'm getting rid of alot of dirt in my life. To the people included in those changes, when I say dirt I mean some of the things that wear me down, and take away from my positive energy.

People are drawn to me, they feed of what I have to give. Not in a negative way...like they capitalize on what I have to offer (in all cases). But people use my energy as fuel.

And when they are done, I dont have any left for myself.

I'll throw up some pics of the Juice later...in the mean time...Here's a link to the Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead Trailer:

What Comes Next?

I've been brooding for a little while now.

I mean, that's not all I've been doing. But, I've been brooding none the less.

 I've had to deal with some health things; a ton of anxiety, the occasional fit of depression/mood swing. Alot of those issues come from things I could have corrected in the past and didnt. The point of this whole thing is lately, alot of things have become obvious to me that seemed subtle before. I can have a conversation with someone, and something they say seems to be in BOLD letters. Almost as if time slowed down just long enough for me to fully digest that particular part of the conversation.

  I needed that.


It's right on time.

It's one thing to notice your flaws...slowing down and looking at yourself and your actions objectively. But it means nothing if you cant change; or follow up with action. I find myself thinking alot differently as of late. My interest in short term things has lessened; my concern for long lasting accomplishments has grown to it's max. I am motivated. The question is though, How do I not let myself get in the way of myself? I know, it sounds crazy, but its true. I tend to get all the way to the finish line and just stop as if I wasn't running a race. All it would have taken was 4 more steps...and I'd be where I need to be.

 I have all these gifts and I'm not doing what I'm supposed to with them. I got a bike for Christmas and decided not to ride it...with my friends. I got an art set and I use it and then hide my work. I apologize. Sometimes I don't see myself for the person the people around me see me for.

They describe me as "Great".

Not great like, "Im feeling Great!", but great in the way a King is Great.

 I think I got it figure out...

 P.S. Im putting together a new cd...

Greatness...

Apologies...for, well, you know...

I've been taking some time to find out a few things about myself. I think I would use that as the reason that I've stayed away from updating. I know what your thinking, "If you were going through something, it probably makes sense to write about it...duh, you blog...". And Yes, I know, that makes sense. But thats not the way my brain works. For some time I've been struggling to express myself in the ways that im already good at. Not sure why, thats just how it is.

But, that is the reason for the title. For some time, people have been telling me how great I am; and I downplayed it, like, "Nah, Im not all that..." and people assume that it's is me being modest. In a moment of clarity, I noticed that I was actually downplaying it for myself, and not for the person that was giving me the compliment. I need to cross the finish line...in all things. Especially in accepting who I am in all things. I am learning that people value my friendship, my company, and my space. Not to mention my various talents. But something in me almost always pushes people away. It'd be a lie to say that I dont enjoy disappearing some times. Quite often though, its for me. It's not because Im tired of people, or in a bad mood; but I do ALOT of soul searching. My nature as a hermit is to dwell on my thoughts for a long time before addressing them.

I have to change that.

Action should be swift, but not without thought. But moving forward, I'll attempt to address things as I meet them by considering the people involved as well as being mindful of my tolerance or intolerance of other peoples requirement of my attention. Every once in a while, I need a break...not from people, but from the amount of energy I exhaust to entertain people. Because of the diversity of my experiences, I tend to "remind people of themselves". But because of it...they attach to me. Which isn't wrong. Thats just not how I work. I know that I have several tasks that I need to accomplish in this life, and for me to work at my maximum potential; I have to be left alone every once in a while.

But again, Im affirming these things so I can do something about it. Not to make my relationship with you better, to make my relationship and feelings about myself better.

I dont know what else to write...I'll try again later.

I just know that, I have to own up to how great I am.

Couldnt Wait....

Here's some more music! Ha! www.onlythakid.com

ONLY - Forget Me (Freestyle) by onlythakid